Few Jesus-followers would dispute the fact that we need to forgive those who offend or wrong us. However, just how and when to do this can be very problematic.
I am writing this article, not just as a pastoral teaching, but as a means of working through a practical issue that has affected me and many others. Unforgiveness destroys relationships and can cause mental and even physical health problems in the offended party, so it is something we cannot ignore or postpone for too long.
Jesus’ Teaching
The Lord Jesus taught that we should forgive. He included it in the prayer format that he gave his disciples (Matthew 6:12-15) and ended with, “For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins” This sentiment is repeated in Mark 11:26 and Luke 6:37.
Oh, OK, so I just need to pray, “Lord, I forgive so-and-so for this-and-that” and everything will be fine? No, that won’t do because Matthew 18 records a story Jesus told to illustrate the concept of forgiveness, which he concluded with: “This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother from your heart.” (18:35). The key phrase here is ‘from your heart’, and that is where the rubber hits the road (or as we say in South Africa ‘the tackie hits the tar’). It is easy to forgive in the mind, but the ‘heart’? … not so much.
The Problem
The problem is not in knowing that we need to forgive, but in knowing how and when to do this. Matthew 18:15-19 sets out the Lord’s instructions regarding sin that affect the church community or its Christian reputation. It starts with ‘If your brother sins against you…’, but the better translations all add the footnote that the words ‘against you’ are omitted from some manuscripts. This omission makes more sense of the passage because the process that Jesus sets out lands up under the purview of the local church and has a form of ex-communication as the ultimate negative outcome. It does not make a lot of sense to omit the words ‘against you’ if the ‘sin’ in question is a purely interpersonal matter. So, this passage does not give us much help when it comes to personal offence and forgiveness.
Another problematic aspect is when the persons who have ‘sinned’ against you might not be aware of the hurt they have caused.
Jesus’ instruction on this is in Luke 17:3, “If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him“. So, if you have reason to think that the offender does not realise that they have offended you, then bring it to their attention and perhaps they will ask for forgiveness. However, I have found from painful personal experiences that it is often very hard to accept that the person in question could be unaware of the impact of his/her words. It is seems so obvious to you that anybody could be unaware of the damage done to your self-worth or sense of identity. This then raises another obstacle to approaching the offender … rejection and counterattack from them. Sometimes you even have the evidence of experiences to lead you to conclude that your challenge, no matter how gently made, will be aggressively rejected. Of course, the only way to find out is to approach the person anyway … and this risks further pain and humiliation.
So, you see, forgiveness is not always as simple as it may seem.
A Solution to the Problem
Full forgiveness in any relational sense is impossible to grant if the one causing the offence does not ask for it. However, Mark records something Jesus said that is helpful here. He said: ”When you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in Heaven may forgive you your sins.” (Mark 11:35) It is hard to imagine, in this example that the man was supposed to stop praying, dash off to find the person he held a grudge against, forgive him although he may not have asked for forgiveness, and then resume praying. A more likely explanation is that Jesus requires an offended person to adopt an attitude of heart that is willing to forgive if so asked. In other words, prayerfully commit to forgiving if asked to do so.
This conforms to the pattern we have in God’s attitude towards us; we ask him to forgive us and he does so because his heart is disposed towards this. ‘If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness’ (1 John 1:9). Luke 17:4 confirms this approach: “Even if he wrongs you seven times a day and each time turns again and asks forgiveness, forgive him.” NLT
The process is a little more complex though. Although we try forgiving in our hearts before God, often the subconscious mind interferes with the integrity of this ‘attitudinal forgiveness’. We catch ourselves in moments of reflection remembering the pain and we even create an imaginary dialogue where we tell the offenders just how we feel and how they have wronged us. Sometimes, this can only be resolved when transactional forgiveness has taken place. Until then all we can do is pray for God to bless (not correct) them and, continue to restate our willingness to forgive whenever these thoughts intrude, and ensure that we are sufficiently in contact and available to receive a request for forgiveness if and when the person is convicted of the need to do so .
There are some obvious exceptions to this principle of ‘transactional forgiveness’. For instance, the person may be dead or otherwise uncontactable, or mentally unable to process and respond. In these cases, ‘attitudinal forgiveness’ must simply have to suffice and the Holy Spirit will over time deal with any residual negative emotions.
Another aspect I have not dealt with is the idea of ‘self forgiveness’ epitomised by the phrase “I just can’t forgive myself for….”. As I see it, the simple truth is that we cannot forgive ourselves for anything, but we can confess and ask forgiveness for everything. The biblical assurance is clear that, “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. (1 John 1:9) To continue to live in a state of self-condemnation is surely an affront to God and a lack of faith is the scriptures?
Process and Assumptions
Let me share with you two insights that I recently acquired.
The first is that forgiveness is a process. The sort of events or incidents that create serious mental anguish cause relationship failure. If we lose relationships that we have cherished then we mourn in some way. Mourning is a process that has no fixed expiry date. Often the process involves stages of denial, anger, depression, and finally acceptance. So, although we, and others, know that we need to confront the problem and approach the offender, it takes time to do. Our hearts need to be prepared, as does the heart of the offender. If we are open to the possibility of reconciliation then the Holy Spirit will work in all the lives concerned until the time comes when things can be positively resolved.
The second insight is that we often make assumptions about the state of the other person, which turn out to be untrue or one-sided. For instance, he/she may view the break in the relationship as our fault: we walked away, we didn’t care enough to try, and so on. This coupled with a lack of awareness of the damage they have done to you can result in them taking offence and feeling that you need to ask their forgiveness.
Summary
Forgiveness is required of us by God. It starts with an attitude of preparedness and commitment to forgive the person who has caused the offence.
However, it can only be effective in its fullness when forgiveness is sought and granted. When we release the offenders and give up the right to exact a penalty, then our conscience is clear before God and our relationship with him unsullied. When forgiveness is asked for and granted, the heart is then healed and a way open to restore the relationship.
Unforgiveness is a serious threat to our mental and spiritual health and negatively affects our relationship with Jesus and his people. Unforgiveness is a double-whammy problem because it impoverishes both the offended and the offender in some way irrespective of the merits of the case. Sometimes it even affects family and friends who grieve or take offence on behalf of one party or both. It is something we just cannot ignore.
‘Our Father in heaven:
May your holy name be honoured;
may your Kingdom come;
may your will be done on earth as it is in heaven.
Give us today the food we need.
Forgive us the wrongs we have done,
as we forgive the wrongs that others have done to us.
Do not bring us to hard testing,
but keep us safe from the Evil One.’
TEV
4 thoughts on “Forgive – But How?”
Hi Chris,
Your insights are, as ever, very helpful.
What I find [and, I guess, most of us attempting to lead Christian lives may well find] is an stubborn unwillingness to “give a second chance”. And of course, the more painful the personal injury, the stronger the self-preservation kicks in to avoid a repeat performance.
So, while I can and do find it in my heart to genuinely forgive persons and even organizations of persons that have done me harm [and this forgiveness involves holding no grudge, not retaliating [a very difficult thing for me personally], and even asking God to bless them and guide them] , I find it extremely difficult, in fact well-nigh impossible, to expose myself [or my family, for that matter] to a second injury by the same party/parties.
“Once bitten” , is probably an appropriate encapsulation of my attitude.
It may be hard wired, because when people are caught by the same person/body/bodies in the same issues a second time, my first reaction is “Lord, why did you not allow them to learn from the first time?” And I truthfully cannot see myself willingly and intentionally allowing anyone a second chance to inflict grievous hurt [physical or mental or emotional] on me or mine. It offends my logic. Does the Bible help us through this, other than with the examples of martyrdom?
Hi Jo. I guess, as with most things, that the matter boils down to our willingness either to submit to the instructions of Jesus or the power of our own emotions and learned responses. Jesus is clear in his instruction that “If he sins against you seven times in a day, and seven times comes back to you and says, ‘I repent,’ forgive him.” Luke 17:4 Key words here are ‘comes back to you and says, ‘I repent’ Forgiveness is granted when sincerily requested.
Hi Chris, thank you for another article that addresses an issue head-on with no punches pulled.
“Forgive – but how?” has bothered me over many years regarding my relationship with my older sister. I reflect on Matthew 18 regularly to get answers which, unfortunately, are not easy to carry out, especially verses 21 and 22. Jesus replies to Peter’s question regarding how often a brother should be forgiven. “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy times seven.”. This article takes me back ten years to a challenging day, which still hurts whenever I think about it. I needed to reconcile a non-existent relationship with my older sister. What damaged our relationship was a meeting of the proverbial “immovable object and irresistible force”. I became a follower of Jesus shortly after I turned 15. As a result, I changed from being a take-it-or-leave-it follower of church rituals and events to an obnoxious zealot determined to preach the gospel and to argue with non-Christians to taking a step toward salvation. Approximately two years later, my sister married a Jehovah’s Witness. She seemed to experience the same life change I had two years before, just in a different direction.
I did some research into this religion to discover that there are many false doctrines and secretive behaviour, which made me even more determined to argue my sister into true salvation. As with most non-believers who have adopted another religion, trying to bully them into the gospel’s truth will rarely reach the desired outcome. I can recall the final incident that destroyed our relationship as clearly as if it happened last month and not 40-odd years ago. Up to that day, our arguments were heated but still cordial. On this last occasion, I was determined to make sure my sister understood the divinity of Jesus and the person of the Holy Spirit and their crucial role in every Christian life. She was just as determined not to accept my argument as I was to resist hers.
After that incident, we did not speak for 30 years. About ten years ago, my mother was diagnosed with cancer. That day, I asked her how I could help, expecting her to ask for practical assistance, such as taking her to the clinic to receive chemotherapy. Her answer was to ask me to do one of the hardest things I could ever do, which was to make peace with my sister. A week or so later, I phoned her to apologise and to seek forgiveness for my behaviour all that time before.
Instead of reciprocating and asking for forgiveness, all my sister said was, “Thank you, it’s so nice to have my brother back”. There was no attempt to acknowledge that she might have been partially responsible for the relationship we destroyed so long ago. Since that night, there have been numerous occasions where I could have brought up my hurt but chose not to for my mother’s sake.
This single statement in this article caught me cold and caused me to rethink that night ten years ago and every time I dwell on it.
“Full forgiveness in any relational sense is impossible to grant if the one causing the offence does not ask for it.”.
And the quote from Kevin Carson applies just as much
“We catch ourselves in moments of reflection remembering the pain and we even create an imaginary dialogue where we tell the offenders how we feel and how they have wronged us.”.
As usual, your article uses the words of Jesus to help contextualise and understand what forgiveness means regarding my relationship with Him. Despite my unwavering knowledge of the forgiveness I have received, I still hold onto the deep-rooted hurt I have because my sister has not recognised her role in the breakdown of our relationship. And that might never happen, so it’s up to me to set the hurt aside and forgive her every time I think about it.
Thank you for commenting Grant; it is never easy to share deeply felt and long-lasting hurt. By asking her for forgiveness you provided her with closure and with an opportunity to reciprocate. The fact that she did not would, I think, indicate that she did not understand that she had hurt you. It seems that you have two options; (1) you could approach her with an attitude of kindness and explain that you are still hurt because she had also offended you and that YOU needed her to acknowledge your continuing pain, or (2) you could simply accept that she had never realised the need to ask for forgiveness and privately pray for God to bless her. The second option would always be the best in the case of a person who is emotionally impaired and incapable of responsponding appropriately. Perhaps the second option would, after all this time, be more satisfactory for you because it is also quite possible that she regarded you as the sole offender becuase it was you who were persistently trying to change her mind concerning her beliefs. God is with you my friend.